woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
