well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
