Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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