I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
