i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just gargled with NyQuil
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
