did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
