i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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