now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
