he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
