I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The air was thick with penises
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
