my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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