just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
