so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
