I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
