Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
