i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
