then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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