I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
