So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
