Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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