this beer tastes like vomit already
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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