The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
