Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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