The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
