i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
