Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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