i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
