dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
