If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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