she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
