It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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