WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
