remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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