So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
