Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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