i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I intend to get homeless drunk
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
