I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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