it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
