wakey wakey hands off snakey
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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