Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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