remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
