i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
