he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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