I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
