No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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