Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
