I hate your face
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
