we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
