I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
