anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
