There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
