I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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