Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
